Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Never enough?

Last night I had an emotional low of quite some depth. I started thinking about how I always think that whatever I do, it's never enough, that I often think when I don't do something perfectly, I fail. I was writing a blog post in my mind, telling you rather open-heartedly about my dreams and fears (mostly about the fears). This is a bit paradoxical, as I don't open up to people for quite some time; but I guess internet communication makes this a bit different. I wanted to tell you that I would like to be a better blog writer, that I would write more frequently and in a better style. That I would like to knit more and faster, so I could present you more. That I would overcome my exam nerves and get my thesis done (if I don't want to extend, the next two months are going to be stressful. Very stressful), because I don't like Uni any more. I just want it to stop, even though I don't have a plan for afterwards. Which freaks me out even more.

I am so glad that K is here to support me, calm me down when I'm angst-ridden again and that he just listens to my never-ending problems. He's going on holiday to visit his friends and family in Melbourne, Australia, soon, and I'll be staying here, thanks to my thesis. I would love to go with him, but I know I have to get things done (and I hope I will); I understand perfectly that he wants to go, as he hasn't seen his folks in over 3 years now. As a surprise when he's back, I plan to finish the K_sweater in the meantime. I started with the sleeves on the weekend, but didn't get much done yet. (Can you see what I'm doing again? I really shouldn't say that; instead, I should say something like "even though I didn't have much knitting time on the weekend at all, I got lots of the sleeve done - almost the whole cuff" to cut out the "I failed"-message)

Why am I telling you this? I guess blogging does make me open up to (complete) strangers. Hey stranger! Say hello! (Or maybe I'm still stuck in the "6 weird things about me"-meme...) I think I should make an intention, not just for 2007, but for... maybe forever. Don't get scared so much. Don't scare myself so much. Start seeing the glass half-full instead of half-empty. Focus - on one thing at a time. Don't annoy people by telling them how you think you're one big failure.

I'd like to finish this post with a picture I took at Schloss Nymphenburg, back in September, so this post has a nice ending. It's a detailed shot of a lamp's foot outside the castle. I like this photo a lot, I had it as a background on my desktop for a while. Hope you like it too!


Christine said...

Hey there,
I must say your picture is lovely. And I have the same problems, too! When a friend of mine says she likes my writing style, I think, what is wrong with her? I have been trying very hard to be less critical of myself, but finding it hard with the loss of some of my brain function. I will work on this together with you, if you don't mind! Thanks for being such a great friend!

amanda said...

i remember the same anxiety as i was finishing my undergrad, and again as i was finishing grad school...you know the future is there but nothing is concrete. of course having a lot of options can be paralyzing since you're not sure which one would be best. just keep putting one foot in front of the other...it'll all work out! and remember, if you choose a path you're ultimately unhappy with you can change it!

amanda cathleen said...

Its hard when you are about to finsh something big, like school. And your future is unset. Especially if you are a person who likes a plan to follow. But nothing is set in stone, you can always change your mind!
Just remember, we are always hardest on ourselves.