Failure? No, I'm not

I'm feeling relieved. Relieved that the pressure has gone, that I've gained more time and that I don't need to be afraid. Any more, or at all. What looked like a step backwards might in fact turn out as a leap forward.

To put you in the picture: No, the K_sweater isn't finished yet. It doesn't matter any more, the weather is too warm anyway. Instead, I have started socks for K, even though he might not wear them for a while; but they're still a nice little project, not too large so I can take it with me to knit groups or when I visit my parents next weekend. The baby hat project is postponed till some time later - my ex-coworker's baby is due in April, and I've decided to make him (it's going to be a boy) a hat large enough so he can wear it this fall.
My Masters thesis is not done, and I applied for an extension of 3 more months due to my anxiety. It was pretty much in the last minute that I realized it was too late, there was too much to do and I couldn't handle it. I freaked out, totally, as such a long extension also postpones my other exams (more written and oral), but hey, what's another 6 months? In the very end, this doesn't really matter; the main thing is, I feel good and I get to make my thesis good. If the regular amount of time is not enough for me, then hey, so what? I know that I have a problem, and even though I'm already in therapy because of this, psychoanalysis is not the kind of therapy that takes effect the next day. Plus, it doesn't address the symptoms but their reasons. My anxieties regarding exams and exam-like situations are a symptom for other fears, so I need to find another way to deal with them. Although, knowing that I'm already doing something that helps me in the long run is good to know.


It's now 2,5 weeks ago that I received a packet from Canada. Way back in February, Cynthia had decided to let go some of her stash (for free! how cool is that?), and I secured some of that. The yarn arrived on a really crappy day, and it helped me quite a lot then. Thank you Cynthia! I'll get those squares for Warming Grace in the mail real soon.
The contents of the packet were really yummy: a selection of Jo Sharp Cotton DK in various colors,



and some elann.com Pure Alpaca that I can't wait to try out!



The colors are quite different to the photo above: the blue is not a solid color but contains a lot of speckles,



and the brown has a strong red-ish undertone:



I'm hoping to combine both of those colors in a sweater or a cardigan, but I'll see where the yarn takes me.

K picked some yarn for socks quite a while ago, and just recently I decided to give it a go. I wanted to make manly socks, but with some sort of pattern to make them interesting enough to knit. I came up with a simple cable and rib pattern:



The main green is a rich emerald tone, combined with a lighter green (I'm glad there's not too much of that in the yarn, as I'm not so fond of this shade). The yarn is from Ewa's Sockenwolle, and she called it "Cameron Highlands". The Cameron Highlands are not in Scotland as one might think from the name, but in Malaysia. According to the greens in the picture, Ewa did choose the right name!
Here's a close-up of the cable:



I wanted to make small cables, and I like them a lot! The first sock is done already, and last night I started the second while watching some Twin Peaks. K bought the dvd and got me hooked. Tonight we'll watch the last 3 episodes, and I think the sock will grow a bit more.

Now, I'm off to eat some dinner, or else I'll faint onto my keyboard... which might not be such a good idea.

Never enough?

Last night I had an emotional low of quite some depth. I started thinking about how I always think that whatever I do, it's never enough, that I often think when I don't do something perfectly, I fail. I was writing a blog post in my mind, telling you rather open-heartedly about my dreams and fears (mostly about the fears). This is a bit paradoxical, as I don't open up to people for quite some time; but I guess internet communication makes this a bit different. I wanted to tell you that I would like to be a better blog writer, that I would write more frequently and in a better style. That I would like to knit more and faster, so I could present you more. That I would overcome my exam nerves and get my thesis done (if I don't want to extend, the next two months are going to be stressful. Very stressful), because I don't like Uni any more. I just want it to stop, even though I don't have a plan for afterwards. Which freaks me out even more.

I am so glad that K is here to support me, calm me down when I'm angst-ridden again and that he just listens to my never-ending problems. He's going on holiday to visit his friends and family in Melbourne, Australia, soon, and I'll be staying here, thanks to my thesis. I would love to go with him, but I know I have to get things done (and I hope I will); I understand perfectly that he wants to go, as he hasn't seen his folks in over 3 years now. As a surprise when he's back, I plan to finish the K_sweater in the meantime. I started with the sleeves on the weekend, but didn't get much done yet. (Can you see what I'm doing again? I really shouldn't say that; instead, I should say something like "even though I didn't have much knitting time on the weekend at all, I got lots of the sleeve done - almost the whole cuff" to cut out the "I failed"-message)

Why am I telling you this? I guess blogging does make me open up to (complete) strangers. Hey stranger! Say hello! (Or maybe I'm still stuck in the "6 weird things about me"-meme...) I think I should make an intention, not just for 2007, but for... maybe forever. Don't get scared so much. Don't scare myself so much. Start seeing the glass half-full instead of half-empty. Focus - on one thing at a time. Don't annoy people by telling them how you think you're one big failure.

I'd like to finish this post with a picture I took at Schloss Nymphenburg, back in September, so this post has a nice ending. It's a detailed shot of a lamp's foot outside the castle. I like this photo a lot, I had it as a background on my desktop for a while. Hope you like it too!

Weirdo...

Elemmaciltur tagged me.

Six weird things about me

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the ‘6 weird things about you.’ People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. When I drink coffee or tea from my favorite (giant) mug at home, I always leave the spoon in the mug. I don't do this when I'm going out though.
2. When I started to knit, I made knit stitches a bit different. I always inserted the needle through the back of a stitch, instead of the front. (And I did know that I wasn't doing it "properly") I knit like this for a few years, until I changed it.
3. At the age of 17, I began modelling. Now, this wasn't runway modelling but modelling for a sculptor, and it was in the nude. Before I did it I thought I couldn't possibly stand naked in front of a man I don't know well, but in the end it was easy-peasy. (It wasn't sexual, that's why)
4. Through modelling, I learned to be self-confident about my body. Plus, it was only then that I found out that my ears aren't sitting at the same height. One ear is sitting one finger's breadth lower than the other.
5. In primary school, I once kissed a grapevine snail. (Oh come on, my best friend did it too, and there's people who eat those snails. THAT'S gross!)
6. Twice a week, I lie on a couch and talk to someone I don't know well about intimate details of my life, and I've been doing this for a year and a half now. (They call it Psychoanalysis. Does this make it weird or normal?)

Let's see, who am I tagging... amanda cathleen, Carola, Julia, Christine, Karlie, and whoever wants to do this meme.

Yay!

Finally! The meeting at university came and went, and I went quite well! I had my usual nervousness, but it wasn't as bad as it was before (that was what I was afraid of), and after the meeting I felt that I'm not as dumb that I thought I was. (We had to present the outlines for our papers, which is supposed to be 80-100 pages.) That was the reason why I didn't go to knitting group last night, because I wanted to talk my outline over with K. I couldn't have stayed there with a good feeling, it would have felt like being on tenterhooks. Originally, I had really wanted to go there because it was the last time this year that they were meeting; but this was worth it, as the university meeting was absolutely necessary.

So, that means I can relax a bit now! Although tomorrow is going to be stressful... K and I want to do a bit of relaxing, coffee drinking and freshly squeezed orange juice-drinking in the morning (as well as sleeping in a bit), then we have to go get some Christmas presents (at least we know what we want to get), clean the apartment before we go to my parents' place Friday morning. Plus, I need to wrap some presents (I bought this nice wrapping from Ikea) and make some more cookies. I had prepared the dough already, and I'd like to have them done before Christmas. K might help me, if I get lucky. And the real holiday stress starts on Friday...